Header image credit: me // Featured image credit: me

I’m going to do something a little different in this post, what I intend to be the first of many such occasional posts: rather than talk about science and connect lots of interesting facts and findings together, I’m going to speak from the heart and use anecdotal experience rather than empirical evidence to make my points. (Wow, and even in that disclaimer, I still sound like scientific fact man. So on with it already!)

For those who may not know, I’m turning 30 in just over a week. Inspired by a thought I had a couple of weeks ago while doing laundry, I’m in the midst of a self-imposed challenge: accomplishing 30 things in the 30 days prior to my turning 30. Some of them are fun little things that I feel I ought to have done at some point in life (e.g., making a soufflé), or things I’ve been working on and need some accountability to finish (e.g., reading Les Misérables); others are habits I want to build (e.g., better punctuality and time management); others are weightier spiritual, occupational, personal, and/or professional goals. (The full list is included at the bottom, for the interested reader. I’ve also been chronicling my progress and adventures on Facebook; check out my timeline for updates, photos, etc.)

Naturally, given how Type A, over-achieving, and go-big-or-go-home I tend to be, this list is quite ambitious. Too ambitious, I’d say. Perhaps impossibly so. So I’m probably going to fail. And that’s okay. But I’m not going to give up. I may have to find some loopholes to check off certain items (I’m really good with loopholes; it comes from being particularly picky with parsing phrases), but I’m not going to give up; I deserve better than that.

But I also deserve other than that. Let me explain what I mean by that.

In the few short weeks I’ve been doing this challenge, I’ve already learned a lot, and I think the biggest of those lessons revolve around priorities and balance—in particular, in not pushing too hard all the time. Don’t get me wrong; goals are great. We need that push; we need to set that bar high to have something to aim for. Expectations help to pull the best out of us. (I wrote all about that in my previous post.) However, goals aren’t everything. Because what happens when you achieve a goal? Well, there’s always the next goal, something else—something higher, bigger, better—to aim for the next time. If all you ever do in life is focus on reaching the next level, you’re going to wind up always a step behind. And probably exhausted. And empty. But there can be fullness and rest in the journey of getting to the goal. You just have to let yourself enjoy the process, and not let yourself think that only the product matters. I know it’s a cliché, but that doesn’t make it untrue: so many times, the journey matters more than the destination.

The scary part—and the part that was a big realization for me—is that it’s so easy to let this goal-driven, accomplishment-centric mentality pervade even my recreation. Or at least it has for me with this challenge. Many of the things on the list involve completing things that are hobbies for me, that I enjoy doing in my free time (that is, when I’m not bingeing Netflix overmuch…), like reading classic literature, making music, and watching good films, to name a few. I normally quite enjoy these things. (Hence why they made the list.) However, when I feel like I have to do them or should do them, it kind of sucks the joy out of them. They stop being as relaxing; they stop being as fulfilling; they stop being recreation.

And that’s when it hit me: recreation isn’t a task to be accomplished; it’s an activity to be enjoyed. And yet I get that wrong all the time. All. The. Time. For years, before I ever started this challenge, I’ve been telling myself I should read more. I mean, I love the classic works (especially the British classics), and I enjoy reading them. And many great arguments could be made for why it would be good for me to read them (e.g., they’re integral parts of modern cultural history; they help us understand the human condition; they help us better empathize, which I noted in an earlier post). So then I tell myself that I should read them. With that simple expectation (i.e., “should”), what could have been a lovely, refreshing recreational activity has been sucked as dry as the pages I’d be reading. An activity that could have been fulfilling and relaxing—and maybe even energizing—has lost all of its ability to restore and refresh.

All because of a little “should” statement. In short, I really need to stop “should”ing myself (I did not coin that phrase, though I wish I had). But that’s only part of the solution. Or maybe it’s only the solution part of the time. Because, again, there is a time and place for goals and expectations. We should have “should”s for ourselves. That’s how we grow and become better versions of ourselves. But we also need to create spaces in our lives where there are no “should”s or “ought”s. Places where we can just be. Places where the only “now”s are for enjoying, not for meeting deadlines by.

It’s about balance. Priorities. And that means sacrifices, too. I have some things on the list that I’d really like to accomplish, that would make for really cool notches in my belt. And things that are admirable goals and pursuits in and of themselves. Things like being able to do the splits again, like I did when I was in gymnastics; like having the physique of a Marvel superhero; like playing the piano well. But these things are at odds with other things I like, such as food and relaxing to some good movies or TV shows on Netflix (current obsessions: “NCIS”, “Planet Earth II”, and “The Great British Baking Show” [I held off on that for so long because I figured I’d get hooked; I was right]). It’s not possible for me to eat the foods I like (and when like) and have that physique. There aren’t enough hours in the day for me to watch those shows on Netflix and practice enough to be a good pianist. Something has to be sacrificed. The choice is what.

In a perfect world, this wouldn’t be a problem, and the things I get enjoyment from doing would be the things that constantly push me closer to my goals, and the pursuit of the goals I want would be utterly fulfilling and refreshing and would bring joy equal the effort given and sacrifices made to get there. (Though, through efforts to stop “should”ing and change my perspective, perhaps I could start finding greater joy in those activities that push me towards my goals.) But we don’t live in a perfect world, so it often comes down to that choice, that sacrifice. Do I choose the goal? Or do I choose the joy-giving recreations? Well, if it’s a big, important goal (e.g., landing your dream job, becoming an Olympian, recording your first album, etc.) odds are, its fulfillment will bring with it great joy; it’ll be worth the sacrifices. But with those minor goals (like the ones on my list), the joy they bring might not be worth the potential joys and satisfactions (i.e., from other activities) sacrificed in its pursuit. So in the times when it comes down to a choice between one of those goals and my joy, I’m going to choose joy. Hopefully every time.

Not because I don’t love myself and think I don’t deserve those goals, but because I do love myself and know that I deserve better than those goals. And because life is too short to not enjoy the journey (and to not enjoy Journey). And because I strongly believe that present mindfulness and the ability to enjoy the simple things in life are key components to being psychologically healthy and living a full, satisfying life.

So I’m going to press on.

But maybe not too hard.

And already, that gives me some peace.

Yours truly,
D. R. Meriwether, Ph.D.
Renaissance Man and Abundant Life Liver

Thirty in Thirty by Thirty List

**Indicates goals that aren’t solely dependent on me, but I need to do my part

Occupational/Professional Growth

• Take (a) class(es) outside of where I teach (I’m thinking Pure Barre)
• Hit 13 posts on my blog (as of 2/12, I’m at 11)
• Get a draft ready for journal submission**

Spiritual Growth

• Read Mere Christianity
• Memorize a chapter of one of Paul’s epistles
• Memorize a new psalm in English, Spanish, and Italian

Physical Growth

• Have a killer physique. My goal is to get to a body fat percentage of 10% or less. (I’m currently at 14.2, so, rather poetically, that would be a 30% reduction.)
• Be able to do all three splits. (I used to as a kid when I was in gymnastics. I’ve since lost them, and I want them back.)
• Be able to hold a hand stand for at least 5 seconds

Intellectual Growth

• Finish the unit I’ve been on (for way too long, I might add) on Rosetta Stone for Italian.
• Take (or at least start) an online class (I could probably use one on coding…)

Recreational/Cultural Growth

• Finish Les Misérables
• Read Pride and Prejudice
• Memorize a Shakespeare sonnet
• Get “Nessun dorma” performance ready
• Learn (or start learning) a classical piece on the piano
• Listen to all Beethoven’s symphonies in order and pick a favorite
• Watch “Gone with the Wind”

Discipline Growth

• Better sleeping habits. (Stop excessively snoozing in the morning. I’m going for 30 days of getting up within one snooze—and 10 minutes—of alarm going off.)
• Better punctuality. (No more tardiness. I’m going for 30 days without being late, not counting circumstances or factors beyond my control.) Accountability moment: I was late a couple of times today, though it was due to circumstances that weren’t entirely foreseeable or in my control. Verdict: room for improvement.
• Better Internet habits. (Less aimless scrolling on Facebook, less visual media [fewer movies, videos—especially if there’s no good reason], less pointless browsing, etc.)

Trying New Things

• Actively watch (i.e., don’t just notice it while doing something else, but make a point to watch it) both the sunrise and the sunset in the same day.
• Try a new look/style. I’m open to suggestions
• Compare Juicy Lucys at Matt’s Bar and the 5-8 club. (Both claim to be the originator. Of the Juicy Lucy. I can’t settle that debate, but I can judge which does better.)
• Make a cappuccino. (I’ve had an espresso maker for almost two years now, and while I’ve nearly perfected lattes and mochas, I’ve yet to make a cappuccino.)
• Make a soufflé.
• Do a polar plunge. (There’s one coming up in early March, in case anyone wants to join.)
• Drive on a frozen lake. (I’ve been on a frozen lake in a car, but it was as a kid; I’d like to do it as the driver.)
• Do volunteer work. (I’m thinking Feed My Starving Children; I’ve never helped there before.)
• Sing at an open mic night and/or audition for something (show, choir, ensemble, etc.).